Miscarriage

Miscarriage isn't something people talk about on a regular basis - at least I didn't before this year.  Since March,  we have had three pregnancies that have ended in miscarriage. It has been hard, but we have learned many lessons.  One of them is that I find peace, comfort, and strength talking to others about what we have been going through.  I haven't ever been that way before.  I am usually a 'keep it to myself' kind of person. 

So, this post is for me and for others out there who are having heartache because of their own losses. 

Each miscarriage has been different...

Our first required no surgery but I ended up in the hospital hemorrhaging.  It was the most difficult emotionally, we hadn't ever been through it before.  There were many tender mercies granted to use during the whole ordeal.  For some reason, I was hesitant about the pregnancy from the beginning.  When we told our parents, we warned them that we were unsure about what was going to happen because of that hesitant feeling.  At about 6 1/2 weeks along I was able to see the baby's heartbeat and that is a something I treasure.  Although that was exciting, I still had an unsettling feeling about it.  I am so thankful that a loving Heavenly Father helped me prepare for what was to happen.  After no puking (which is unusual for me) and that unsettling feeling still around we had another ultrasound at 8 weeks and found that the heartbeat was no longer there.  That was hard, but I can't say I was surprised - I had felt it all along.  We opted not to have surgery this time, which went well until I hemorrhaged.  I have an excellent doctor who is caring and even went so far as to give us his personal cell phone number so that he was always aware of what was going on.  We are extremely grateful for him.  He has been a blessing to us.  After a day in the hospital, I was finally on the mend and my doctor told us to give my body a couple of months to recover. 

Round two began in July... I found out I was pregnant after coming home from girl's camp.  I was excited, I thought we were going to be good to go.  My doctor warned me though that after the first miscarriage I would always worry.  And he was right.  I was worried about it and at 5 weeks along I began bleeding and knew that this pregnancy was a 'no go'.  I saw my doctor a few times and although we were disappointed, we felt hope.  We knew that we had gotten pregnant twice in a short time and felt positive.  We were also keenly aware of the fact that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and His plan is the best plan. 

Two months later I was again pregnant.  And excited.  Third time's the charm.  I saw my doctor right away and he put me on progesterone to see if that would help our end result.  I was nauseous.  We saw a fetal sac on the ultrasound.  We went on our trip to Hawaii.  I was very good and didn't even boogie board once.  I stayed out of the hot tub.  I relaxed.  After we got back, the puking began and we felt like that was the assurance we needed.  Around 6 weeks when the heartbeat should begin, we saw that the baby's growth was behind, but were quite optimistic even though there was no heartbeat yet.  We went in the following week.  There was a very slow heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown much.  I went in again a week later and it was the same result.  I lost it.  I knew that we were going to lose this baby also.  My doctor was kind and caring.  He gave me a great pep talk about having faith.  He reminded me that if the Lord wanted this pregnancy to be successful he could, but I had to have faith.  I had a difficult day or two but through prayer and lots of pondering I felt calm.  I was full of peace when I went in the following week.  There was no heartbeat.  At that point my doctor lost it, he was discouraged.  I felt peace.  I felt then and do now that God is in control.  We opted for surgery this time to see if it will help in the future.  About a month ago, I had a D&C.  It went well and I feel strong and healthy.  We are giving my body and our emotions a bit longer to recover this time before we give it another go.

I long for a newborn, but I have friends who let me steal theirs for a moment and sniff them all I want.  I worry about not ever being able to get pregnant again, but know there are other options to add to our family.  Our friends are good to us.  Our families have been encouraging and comforting.  Pam has watched our kids almost all of the - I am guessing here - 15 times I have been to the doctor this year.

I hope there is someone out there who needed this. This journal entry has been a long time coming, but I have been putting it off.  I feel so blessed.  This winter I will snowboard, which I love, and take a break from thinking about pregnancy.  I will hug my kids more and spend one on one time with them.  I am grateful for the humbling and stretching this trial has required from us.  We are closer in our marriage, we are more focused on an eternal perspective, and our prayers have become more heartfelt.  I shed a tear or two recalling the events of the last year but there are so many things that I am grateful for. I am amazed at how blessed we are.